*TRIGGER WARNING: this content does contain comments regarding drug use and perhaps, some jokes about drug use.

There’s a song by Carrie Underwood entitled “Wasted”. I was listening to it today, and a particular line stuck out to me. She sang about an alcoholic, who decided to pour his whisky down the drain and thought, “it’s time to be a man and stop living for yesterday, gotta face it.” A common characteristic of addicts (I’m going to be referring to addiction as a whole here, nothing specific), myself included, is that we want to go back in time. We’d like to go back and right all of our wrongs. Fix all of the relationships that we’ve destroyed. We would do the opposite this time.

This is especially true of the group of people referred to as “chronic relapsers”. In recovery circles chronic relapsers are those who continue to relapse, despite periods of sobriety. I belong to that group. It’s not fun. But here’s the thing that I don’t hear mentioned very often: in order to be a chronic relapser one has to have some period of recovery to relapse from. In other words, they come back to recovery after leaving it. I think that takes a lot of guts. Strength. Humility. Courage. Also, when an addict uses, in my experience, a lot of shame is involved. So to come back to a group of recovering peers and admit a relapse takes guts. Good for all my fellow chronic relapsers!

One thing that I am very proud of is that I have never given up on recovery. I have been in recovery since I was 24, and now I am 41. I have worked all 12 steps (several times) in a recovery group, sponsored people, and stuck around for three years sober, at one point. And then two. And one. Then various periods of time. My relapses never last longer than a week. Except I did try a California Sober experiment last year that forced me to hit a huge bottom this year.

We will discuss California “Sober” and bottoms, as well. My thing was always pills. I would get prescribed something for my narcolepsy, anxiety, or ADHD and then I’d be off. And eventually I’d drink. Then, the weed would come into play. See, sobriety is complicated. Now, there are some recovering addicts wouldn’t have touched some of the stuff that I have taken, but it is not for anyone to guess how bad my symptoms were. And I can tell you, all three, at times, can be crippling. But figuring out how to be sober, wean off of addictive substances, and incorporate lifestyle changes is something that I plan to discuss in this blog. I also plan to discuss other challenges that one may come across in recovery. So subscribe and join the ride!